The Death of Ivan Ilyich
Hello,
Today started a bit weird. There was a lot of mind chatter going on. I did wake up abruptly to go and get my nicotine gum, and I didn't sleep after that though I didn't sleep that much.
I cleaned my room a little bit then prayed and made yerba mate.
I finally finished reading Lev Tolstoy’s 'The Death of Ivan Ilyich' and honestly I think it is one of the most beautiful novels I got to read. The message of "you need to live a life that you don't regret" is quite strong, and I loved it. However Tolstoy didn't mean it in an hedonistic manner, of course. I also loved how he portrayed Christ's mercy in the book and how he alluded to the Orthodox Christian view of death.
Here's a quote from the book:
"And whenever the thought occurred to him, as it often did, that it all resulted from his not having lived as he ought to have done, he at once recalled the correctness of his whole life & dismissed so strange an idea."
This is something we can all relate to. Especially how when life would be going horrible and there's a blindspot in our inner vision where we can't see how the consequences of our choices, and actions, are the ones that negatively effected our lives. It can be very hard to battle such a belief.
The Death of Ivan Ilyich is the second Russian novel I have read so far, after 'The Way of a Pilgrim', which is a profound Orthodox Christian, spiritual novel. If you are interested in any Orthodox Christian spirituality I really suggest you read that book. Because it shows you how profound and important the Jesus Prayer is.
The Jesus Prayer is as follows:
Long: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
Short: "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me."
Social media and content addiction has ruined my brain. Not only that but also my spiritual and social life and it really sucks! It's gotten so bad to the point where I could see myself scrolling my FYP on X while dreaming! I wonder if I do any scrolling motions with my hand in my sleep like some of these videos I've seen of Chinese young 'Douyin' (Chinese version of Tiktok) addicts.
When I pray, I pray so hastily and only after my conscience begging me for the 100th time to get up and pray. I pray in such a negligible way that is not befitting to the Lord in any way shape or form. Like I'm not even following my Prayer Rule and I feel so ashamed infront of God and my Spiritual Father. I keep the Parable of the Prodigal Son in my heart, however I keep taking God's mercy and love for granted. Why can't I repent of my hedonistic, vain, and carnal habits that do nothing but destroy the soul and push God away from me?
Don't you know that Christ loves you? He told you that if you want to love Him, you should follow Him and listen to Him. After all He has done for you, all the mercy and grace and blessings He bestowed on you, yet still you don't mind upsetting Him. May the Lord have mercy on my soul.
Yet, we ought not to give in to despairing... even if it seems that "every possibility of hope" had "shattered".
St. Nektarios of Aegina once said: "We have within us deeply rooted weaknesses, passions, and defects. This cannot all be cut out with one sharp motion, but patience, persistence, care, and attention. The path leading to perfection is long. Pray to God so that He will strengthen you."
St. Joseph the Hesychast said: "Don't be sad, my child. Don't worry so much. Even though you have fallen again, get up again. You have been called to a heavenly road. It is not surprising for someone running to stumble. It just takes patience and repentance at every moment."
May the Lord grant me the strength of body and soul, love, wisdom, and understanding so I can repent. May the Grace of the Holy Spirit be with us. Through the prayers of both St. Nektarios and St. Joseph, and the Theotokos, Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us.
Song of the Day: David Bowie - Lazarus.
May God bless you, and be with you always :)
AJ